Breakdown By Daughtry

They hitting my mood on the nail today, so had to quote the whole song...one of my faves.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating here.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.

Okay cut the crap, I'm grown.
I don't gotta or should do nothing that involves you,
a sick twisted fate, with a dis-satisfying ending.

"All I'm trying to say is that I know what's happening..."
My heart is not your crutch,
I'm not you support giver,
I'm not your parent,

I'm barely your friend.

Follow your instincts fool.

"Go back to what you know...this is way too impossible".



-Ne-Yo, "Back to what you know"-

Part of me...Take 2

Everytime I choose not to say something, a part of me grows weak...

A part of me dies.

I let you get away with the worst kinds of things, and let it slide.

Part of me is resentful, part of me lies.

But part of me know that I'm not a fool,
and that I will not take this lightly,

Part of me knows your too freaking stupid to understand what I mean,

That part of me is unsightly......that ever lasting bind.

I know I can not change you, and I don't want to either.
But you takr me for granted...all parts of me.

And you made that mistake,

Part of me doesn't have to be kind.

Small Parts of a whole

Okay, so my plan failed,
But me; a firm believer in destine doesn't know what God wants me to see here.
I thought all my feelings for you were locked up- spent so long trying to take that first step away from you, a step in the opposite direction.

And when I took the 1st one everyone after that...got easier.

But here these feelings are warmer than ever.
I thought you didn't have the key?
Maybe I thought wrong.
Maybe I didn't.
I really wish I knew the significance you play in my life,
because here I thought what we had was another notch under your belt.
But you were waiting for me...for what?
What exactly do you want me to say? That I haven't?

This is frustrating for the both of us.


Part of me wishes you went far far far away back to your old life.
Part of me wants you to stay.
Part of me wishes you didn't tell me how you felt,
Part of me does.
Part of me still thinks I love you too much,
Part of me thinks that other part is stupid and hopes that part will change.
Part of me wished you could be with someone else, at least that pain would be easier.

But still, part of me has hope,
Hope that one day maybe you and me wouldn't have to worry about tomorrow and love each other, the way I think we are supposed too.
Part of me knows that can't happen.

But with all this said one part of me still has the strength,
The strength to get up and live another day,
The strength to try and move on with my life,
With or without you.

Part of me still doesn't know if I should yet.

But either way,
In dreams or reality,
Even though I worry about you,
I have to worry about myself,
and my well being.
And I have to keep myself going,
no matter how may times I keep looking back.

And that one part is still in love........WITH ME.

And either way you slice it,

That part always makes sense.

-For you, but mostly for me-

Time...

They say time heals everything.
And baby, imma believer.
Time builds walls and windows....
Repairs holes and leaks.
Makes an old you feel new again.
Almost like brand new... ready for chances
With more room for CHANGES.

And that ain't half bad sucka.

L.O.V.E.

I used to think stuff with this word made sense....
The more you think it does, the more it doesn't.
And I think I like it that way.

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Best quote EVER.

Gansta Love...

Watch out, I've seen this type before,
TOXIC. Deadly and dangerous.
Hey, I must say thanks, you give the best kinds of writing.
But that's besides the point...

I can't be a part of this tangled mess anymore.
I need to break free, fresh and be my own person.
For real, my dude you like a parasite.
Eating away at my insides.
This shit is crazy.

"It's not that I didn't care, It's that I didn't know.
It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't SHOW."

And I'm not mistaken.
I don't care where, I gotta go
Out of sight out of mind they say.
And I've clearly overstayed my welcome
This is beginning to kill me...

Silent but deadly.
The hope and the hopeless.
And this chick gots to make moves.

Even if it's baby steps,
And that's all she wrote.

Scary kind of thing

So baby listen...
I need somebody to hear me out real quick
To hear what I have to say.
Which is worth listening, so I don't have to say it out loud alone.
Afraid of the consequences of my actions,
The deeper meaning; hidden behind words unsaid.
What a scary kind of thing.
But it's not time to have any breakdowns or meltdowns--- not now.
Just words and ears, but thoughts and paper for now.
I say one thing but mean another, but no take back this time.
I can't pretend finding the words are easy.
Track by track, I feel myself trying to find the right kind of words.
I don't know what the difference the right kind will make.
If the meaning still the same.
But I don't mind repeating myself
If the feeling is the same.
But every move you make affects mine,
Our minds in sync seems almost biological.
Without words...you get me.
But time is something we never did have,
Enough time to figure out all this baggage we got,
Emotions we bring, and memories
I close my eyes
and let them all float back into my head.
Letting my sub-conscience absorb it like a huge sponge.
And whether it all means something.
To bet high, or to bet low.
What a scary kind of thing.
Tainted or true?
I would never want nothing tainted.
Who knew?
You are who you be.
And step by step we go,
Like we're moving on thin ice
Underneath all we got is more decisions, dealing with other people's twisted emotions.
What a tangled mess we made.
I say, screw it, I'll bet all my chips....
For answers.
I don't need you say in that matter.
Decisions.
What a scary kind of thing.

Wants and needs

It hit, but I'm 2 days too late.
You say feeling fade, I say hope too.
I can't keep pretending I'm not better than any other of those bitches.
The sad part, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
Where did that put me?
You make it look so easy.
40 minute release and you have no shame, going back to her.
I don't blame you.
At least you can make choices,
It looks so easy for you.
Why isn't this shit easy for me?
I don't know how to do anything really well, but the friend part I think I got down.
Friend. The part where I give,some people take.
"You look happy..."
Wants and needs.
Wants and needs.
Two completely different things.
Because as you go forward in your life,
I NEED to go too.
I NEED to move forward.
I NEED this, despite what my heart may THINK it needs. NEEDS is the wrong word organ, it's WANT.
And I don't WANT this.
I don't WANT to feel like an anything.
I WANT to be an everything.
I didn't want to get in the way...the funny thing I didn't.
Loosen your grip girl, and let the dude go.
If it's really meant to be he'll come back if he wants too.
But you NEED to get over self.

-For you, on this day, post everything. I don't NEED you to be happy.

Waiting in a dream

Every time I got to sleep,
The same image plays in my mind.
Like the music plays every time you open up a jewelry box.
Watching the beautiful ballerina travel in the same circle.
Smiling from the beauty deep within my heart. The images and colors of my dreams and the hope for a peaceful and happy future waits for me.
Like a soul can search for loved ones that have cared about them all this time, play almost like a memory.
Creating illusions in my mind.
And the love an beauty I have searched for all this time, can meet me and brighten my dreams, making me smile in my sleep.

-Age 14 1/2-

My Room

Enter the unknown,
The dying and the full grown.
Where the living flies
and hearts cry.
Where the flowers bloom
Where the end comes soon,
It;s more than just a place, but a rainbow of dreams.
Far across the oceans, where smiles can be seen.
Where the blood has been shed,
and where God can prey.
A place where lost souls stay.
So enter the challange
and enter the surprise
Over the horizon, where floating beds can fly.

-Age 14-

Uncertainties

It's the uncertain things in life that make people wonder and think, if true love was planted in front of you..would it make your heart sink? And if people hated you, would you fight back the pain? Uncertain tears. Thoughts that make you insane. Imaginary people with imaginary things. Birds without feathers, angels without wings. What is actually meant for you and what do you desire? Dreams coming to reality and clouds setting on fire. The perfect person and you don't know it, take one step back so you don't blow it. Uncertain things fill up your heart and you wonder what people actually think of you, because that's not what you wanted, only a friendship to stay true. Uncertain beliefs that come along with uncertain things that you feel. Answers that come much closer and a life doesn't even seem real.

-Age 15-

It's only what I wanted

You see it's only what I wanted.
I wanted life and I'm living.
I wanted happiness and I'm happy.
I even wanted each day and I wake up and not only live it but see it.
I wanted love, and I'm loved by other people, all my family blood or not.
But it's what happened at the end that keeps me stronger and stronger and stronger.
Each and everyday I open my eyes.

-Age 14-

Rage of Innocence

A swift, sweet world.
Years ways from unheard noise.
Happiness flies with ease through the towns.
Together, towns find herds of peace.
The day dies and the night lives
I can breathe in rage, the form of innocence, quiet from sound.
Town the shade of winter, and the stones from summer.
My mind is mixed with native fields with flocks of fire.
I am happy, free, unknown, I do not exist. I only tell the sweet story of my hours, I am only but world I call the shadow of your day; to see the moon yet to rise I try yo swim in a tear that was looking for a face to cry on. Isn't it funny to hear the screams of torn paper?
You can smell a flower but never know it's scent because all who wander are not lost.
If I knew the mind of the wind I would be flying searching for it too. I don't want to be that empty space a writer can't express.
This is the rage of the innocence, and when you feel it you can hear the heartbeat of the Earth.

-By Jennifer Izagurie, One of my 8th grade best Blue Bullet friends-

There is a feeling

There is a feeling that feels like you don't know how to feel or what you doing on this planet. There is a feeling that makes you block out all possible positive things or feelings and consume nothing but confusion, anger and hate. There is a feeling that when you want to clam down you just get hyped back up and want to do something, something about this anger you felt many times before. There is a feeling filled with sad, hope and dreams. This is how I feel.

-Age 13 1/2-

I

I step on to a field of wet grass. I walk across a dark path. I smell the smell the smell of blue air. I like to put flowers in my hair. I like to fall into people's dreams, even though nobody's seen. I like to see and step on to someone's universe and hope. That's my universe doesn't make people choke. My universe is okay and will always be in my heart. It's my universe because it's filled with two worlds; two worlds far apart. One world some can see and one that is covered by me. Now I hope that my two worlds come together and live in my soul.

-Age 13-

I shed these tears.....

I shed these tears for the universe,
I shed for mankind
I especially shed for my family,
I shed these tears for the dying.
With some much hate in the world, I don't know how much tears I could cry, but I'll know I will keep crying, keep crying until everything is alright.
This is for anybody out there who feels like nobody cares for them. Those who have no one to cry for their problems. I dedicate this to you. I can't move at the speed of light but I can think and dream of you. You are never alone.
I shed these tears for you.

-Age 13-

Private Pain

I can't remember how it happened. Now I'm filled with all this sad. Sitting at home with nothing on my mind. Mine as well drown, What's life hold for me? Nothing. Exactly.You went through me like yesterday's trash. Yea, your annoying! Why could I stand you? Now look what you've done! Look at me! I write this a i drown in my tears. Deeper and Deeper, until I can't do it anymore. I pick up the blade, Boom. It's done. Slice. What do you have to say now?

-Age 13-

Memories

There is a first time for everything and a first time to believe. You hold something that can never be gived, step back look into your past see how fast it went, see how fast it could last! We all tried to hold on to our first day of school in September, but why go back in time when you can remember? Remember the time you fell, and you lied, remember the time you got dumped and sat down and cried? It was lost but never forgotten, your memories can be soft, soft as cotton. Yea, that's our past and we left it there for awhile, but what are you going to say when your at home with your child? Always remember the experienced you went through if you didn't how would you be you?


-age 13-

My World (Age 13)

I can do it, I kept saying to myself,
even if my life isn't filled with all it's wealth.
I can climb any mountain, or sail any sea,
If only I can believe in me. Walk out into the world and open your mind,
that's how my personality is one of a kind. Lay back and let the earth grab you by it's roots and toes. Then you can find out what many people don't know. The world is filled with it's bad's and good's, but if you live life like you should, then your soul has finally been taken and left and your mind can never be kept.

On this day, 4/29

4.29. A date stitched on the inside.

For the day my dad died.

Everyone remembers him for different reasons.

Some remember his laughs,

Some remember him for his words,

Some for his wisdom,

Others for strength.

Some called him Paul,

We called him dad.

Anise sometimes called him pops.

Mom called him PJ.

With all the labels, and nicknames,

A person without a Paul Johnson in their lives had missing parts of being a whole person.

Because he was the kind of person who told you things before those things even happened.

So you never understood ½ of what he said.

But now I know those were little seeds he planted in me before I even knew I was capable of growing.

He knew who I would become before I had even considered all the possibilities.

And I could tell him anything.

And many times I did.



But what I remember the most about my dad were the times when he didn’t utter a word.



Nights when our electricity would go out and I would read to him all my Harry Potter books, by candle light. And he would just sit and listen, and before the book was finished, we both would be sound asleep.



Days when we would argue, and before the day was over we would be up watching history channel together.



Or early in the morning, when he would take Amber’s radio and play all his oldies, Isley Brothers, Kool and the Gang, Earth Wind and Fire and I swear that I would never listen to that garbage again...before I downloaded them to my computer.



Or when we would talk about all the important things. Like love and forgiveness, family and friends, and most of all: How to give.



This was some of the things he taught me.

That I never imagined I would use or understand a day in my life.



Until he was gone.



And all became clear.



That these are lessons that survive after death.

Important things, that never disappears even when a person does.



And now I am grateful.

I’m grateful for everyone I’ve met.

I’m grateful for my family and my friends.



I am grateful for life.



And on this day, 4/29 I remember the shock of my father’s death.

I’m grateful for my Buff State support team and everyone else who on that day,

Who came together for me in that moment.

People who didn’t even know me for that long.

And held me while I cried.

And shed some tears too.

I can’t thank you enough.



And this day then became for me at that moment, not a day marked for death, but a day marked for love.



The love that has multiplied in my family on that day.

As my family told others and their support teams grew also.

People who never asked any questions, or pointed any fingers. Those people who were just there for us.

I can’t thank you enough either.

As the love between my family thickened as one of our own left us.



As we continue to live our own lives 364 days of the year,

On this day we come together.

Without being physically close with each other.



As we each of us rubs that hole inside of us.



And it might be harder for some more than others.



But my dad, always a step ahead, didn’t leave us empty handed.



He left me and my family with all the love we could ask for.



And today, I’m grateful, not sad.



And I stand before you humble and not broken.



But more human than I ever thought possible, as I remember my dad’s warm heart.



And can only wish the same for everyone else.







“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others”.



“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was”. **RIP Daddy, Sonny loves you**

On the way back to Buffalo.... 5/30/10

Wants and needs, wants and needs.
I don't need you to be happy.
There is no excuse for me to believe that being selfish will fix everything. To help fill up this...

HOLE.

Inside of me.
1,2,3. There I go again.
I don't want to mess up anyone else's happiness.

I want my own.
Not half, but a whole.
A whole something that I can call all mine.

I don't want crappy last year's leftovers.
And for fucking up, I don't deserve to be happy.

I'm sorry. I don't want to mess up anyone's else's happiness.

I want my own.

A part of my own creation.
I don't need you to be happy.

Wants, needs, wants and needs.
Two completely different things.

-For you guys, I only wish the best.-